Coming Up for Air

2010-10-27T20:52:00.002+01:00

This blog will no longer be updated. I have moved to http://kontra-mundum.blogspot.com/.

Coda

2010-09-09T04:25:00.005+01:00

One

What happened to the words? They seem to have disappeared. Dried up, surely you must have noticed; the desertification of your mind brought about by dissertation. One and a half months spent holed up in your cell in front of Dell, not venturing out for days on end, and even then only to shop at Tesco's. "We pride ourselves on our superstores built to the highest sub-standard specifications, not just across our glorious nation mind you, we're taking over the world". God save the Queen.

Shopping trips spent dodging old-age pensioners in the day (there was one poor old lady gripping on to her pram-like trolley, stationary for near eternity near the stationery aisle) and mines of industrial-sized trolley-like obstacles awaiting careless shoppers left behind by the army of shelf-stackers at late hours. Strip lighting galore. Self-checkout lane. Mmm. Hand holding basket, watching your wallet, "Aye, the lad what be penny wise pound foolish". Innit. Innit indeed. 'Every little helps' and you needed all the assistance you could get. Money was tight so you had to live within your means, eat a little less, skint on quality. That was all fine. What wasn't fine was your dissertation.

Ah Eng and his posse snubbed you from the word go. The politikus thrive on money and connections. Bigger fish to fry you guess, though watch your back. You wanted your hand held and Siva was there for a while but off he went to Sri Lanka and you almost gave up on your data. Anyway blame yourself, it was your fault; sweet procrastination. Pushing the blame on Ah Eng is only valid for so long. Still managed to pull it through on your own though.

But you've degenerated into the vernacular and been spouting off for too long. Explain yourself! The reasons for the barrenness of your mind.

Two

Yes, it wasn't just academic work that truncated my thoughts. It was the consumption of Malaysian news that did the trick. The repetitive unresolved, soon-to-be-forgotten cliffhanger episodes of the soap opera titled Malaysia (Truly Asia!). I was tired of over-righteous politikus on both sides of the Great Divide, high on power and filthy lucre drunkenly singing 'We are the Champions'. Alleged cases of entering and defiling places of worship; suspicious deaths; PhD holding columnists spouting hate; loads of sickening and unconstructive advice offered by trolls in the comments section of online news sites and blogs; twee (and talentless?) Namewee so full of himself, beloved by closet racists all over and his purposely provocative videos that incite hatred rather than love for our fellow Malaysians; school principals and other adults in positions of power teaching children how to hate one another. Hate seems to be the order of the day, not to mention painfully horrible grammar and spelling (which is almost as worrying!).

Three

It's done and dusted, sorted. This is probably the last post in this blog. I'll be heading back to Malaysia soon and what will happen to me there is a complete mystery that I'm wary of unravelling.

I will be moving to a new blog because I do not wish to associate the future with the five years (2006-2010) of good and bad memories linked with this blog. Dear readers, I might post the link to it and I might not. There was a time and place for ranting and being embarrassingly teenage-emo here but now, it's drawing to a close. Now I'm definitely no longer a student, it's time to grow up and start behaving like an adult.

Goodbye.

2010-09-05T05:42:00.001+01:00

Ah Tee

2010-08-15T09:20:00.001+01:00

Dr Mohd Ridhuan Tee Abdullah used to make me angry. Now, he just makes me very, very sad.

2010-07-29T13:36:00.002+01:00

From The Paris Review Interviews, Issue 56, 1973 (Link here):

"The weakness of Greene's Heart of the Matter is derived from its author's fascination with theology: the sufferings of the hero are theological sufferings, invalid outside the narrow field of Catholicism. When I taught Waugh and Greene to Muslim students in Malaya, they used to laugh. Why can't this man have two wives if he wants them, they would say. What's wrong with eating the bit of bread the priest gives you when you've been sleeping with a woman not your wife, and so on. They never laughed at the tragic heroes of the Greeks and Elizabethans."

Anthony Burgess

Ugh

2010-07-27T02:29:00.003+01:00

Off the top of my head:

Yann Martel
Martin Amis
Jeremy Clarkson
Salman Rushdie
Richard Dawkins
Richard Brautigan
Dan Rhodes

Tash Aw

2010-07-21T18:07:00.002+01:00

The biscuits that expired 4 months ago still taste yummy when there's nothing left in the larder and you've no money until the end of the month.

Jose Saramago (1922-2010)

2010-06-19T07:43:00.002+01:00

2010-06-19T01:22:00.003+01:00

Almost got knocked down by a bus today. Driver didn't even attempt to slow down.

Dug through my old emails in a quickly aborted attempt to delete my nearly 4000 'unread' emails. Most of these emails aren't worth opening - you can tell from the subject and/or the sender. But some are emails to myself. I like to use my email as a way of saving documents or important bits of info for future reference. Often, I completely forget about them. Opening some of these emails make me cringe. Was I really that fucked up 5 years ago? I probably still am.

Another interesting email was the result of an online personality test that I did 5 years ago. I did a similar Myers-Briggs test (google it) at a 'management skills' weekend at uni in December last year. The results of both were the same - INFJ or the counselor.

Milibros

2010-06-02T20:57:00.000+01:00

My heart's with Ed but I placed my money too early on Dave.

Disjointedness

2010-06-01T18:19:00.002+01:00

I

On dreary winter evenings
and lonely summer ones
come pangs of great discontent
that leave one longing for warmth.

II

La petit morte
creeps, potent;
causing no great destruction,
just senseless confusion.

III

Saudara,
yang tertinggal
hanyalah,
saudade.
Wassalam.

Sorry Mr Lim

2010-05-28T08:15:00.003+01:00

Lack of updates, I know.

I didn't care to believe it when I heard and read about it, but now I've experienced it myself. I'm sorry Mr Lim Guan Eng but you have definitely lost the support of this voter in Penang. A little goes a long way and you or any of your staff have not even had the courtesy to reply to 2 e-mails and a fax to your office; if only to acknowledge receipt as requested in the correspondence sent to you. Sure, I understand you must be busy and all, what with the Penang Government being in danger of collapse without your mighty guiding hand. But it has been almost a month. And, it's not that you are not online. You have the time to tweet nonsense on Twitter with your Blackberry no less. I'm sure your Blackberry does notify you when a new e-mail is received? If not, its time to bin it.

2010-05-09T17:01:00.001+01:00

Lib-Lab pls

Rufus Wainwright's cover of Leonard Cohen's 'Chelsea Hotel No. 2"

2010-05-03T01:22:00.004+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4rQ03pl2Og

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
you were talking so brave and so sweet,
giving me head on the unmade bed,
while the limousines wait in the street.
Those were the reasons and that was New York,
we were running for the money and the flesh.
And that was called love for the workers in song
probably still is for those of them left.

Ah but you got away, didn't you babe,
you just turned your back on the crowd,
you got away, I never once heard you say,
I need you, I don't need you,
I need you, I don't need you
and all of that jiving around.

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
you were famous, your heart was a legend.
You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.
And clenching your fist for the ones like us
who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
you fixed yourself, and said, "Well never mind,
we are ugly but we have the music."

And then you got away, didn't you babe
you just turned your back on the crowd,
you got away, I never once heard you say,
I need you, I don't need you,
I need you, I don't need you
and all of that jiving around.

I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,
I can't keep track of each fallen robin.
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
that's all, I don't even think of you that often.

Owen Pallett in Guelph

2010-04-20T08:20:00.001+01:00

Watch till the end!

If you want to sing out, sing out; if you want to be free, be free

2010-04-15T03:25:00.001+01:00

Senyum Selalu Bertambah Mutu

2010-04-05T18:09:00.006+01:00

From top: John Paul I, Nik Aziz, Dalai Lama

2010-04-04T23:00:00.002+01:00

"Language is like a cracked kettle on which we beat out tunes for bears to dance to, while all the time we long to move the stars to pity."

Gustave Flaubert

Bersubahat Dengan Syaitan

2010-03-27T16:36:00.003Z

Ada pihak-pihak tertentu yang selalu mengecam kerjasama antara PAS-DAP. Mereka berpendapat bahawa dua parti politik tersebut jauh berbeza dan bertentangan dari segi prinsip dan ideologi. PAS ingin menubuhkan kerajaan berlandaskan Islam dan melaksanakan undang-undang hudud manakala DAP mahukan negara sekular. Jangan pula sebut PKR yang menurut pengkritiknya, hanya mengidolakan dan mendewakan Anwar.

Dalam Bahasa Inggeris, persekutuan PAS-DAP ini pernah dinobatkan sebagai 'marriage of convenience'. Pengkritik (sama ada dari pihak anti-PAS atau anti-DAP, atau kedua-duanya) mengibaratkan kerjasama PAS-DAP sebagai berkonspirasi dengan musuh dan bersuhabat dengan syaitan. Tapi cuba fikirlah, bagaimana dua parti yang jauh berbeza ini sanggup mengetepikan perbezaan mereka dan bermuafakat demi mencapai matlamat yang dilihat sebagai lebih penting.

Apakah yang dapat kita simpulkan dari tindak-tanduk PAS, DAP dan juga PKR?

Dog Days

2010-03-20T13:32:00.002Z

The combination of an encounter with an old school friend, what's on my mind and what I've been reading lately has led to the black dog rearing its ugly head once again.

Elliott Smith - Say Yes

2010-03-09T04:03:00.003Z

A classic. A legend. You can feel his pain. The drugs, they don't work.

Bad Research

2010-03-09T02:12:00.002Z

we are made restless,

enfeebled by

grammatical syntax

and impenetrable mathematical formulae

ideas agitated by

convoluted paragraphs

extract the abstract ideas

abstraction - but of what?

with a broadbrush, in broad strokes

tease out the strands of

the corollaries that folllow

empirically

hence the aim of our research

shall be summed up as:

"we split the atom

now let us split hairs"

2010-03-09T00:56:00.002Z

"A non-credible threat is one that can be ignored, on the assumption everyone acts in their rationally calculated self-interest, because implementation of the threat leaves the opportunistic party worse off than if they backed down. A's threat to put his fist through B's window is non-credible. Availability of a brick may make it credible" (Ive and Chang, 2007).

Terry Pratchett on Assisted Death

2010-02-27T02:16:00.004Z

Terry Pratchett recently gave a lecture on why he believes people should be given the option of assisted death.

"As I have said, I would like to die peacefully with Thomas Tallis on my iPod before the disease takes me over and I hope that will not be for quite some time to come, because if I knew that I could die at any time I wanted, then suddenly every day would be as precious as a million pounds. If I knew that I could die, I would live. My life, my death, my choice."

Link to his full lecture here.

2010-02-21T22:02:00.001Z

It's time to stop dreaming about writing and actually get down to it.

Pockets

2010-02-20T01:37:00.002Z

Before I forget, I love winter because I can put all sorts of stuff in my coat pockets - my oyster card, a pen and random stationery sometimes, a tube map, a moleskine notebook, tickets, cards, books and magazines, flyers, a water bottle, snacks, keys, coins...

I like large pockets! Where will I put all my stuff when it gets warmer?

A backpack is an inconvenience. Man-bags are NOT an option. They make me sick.

2010-02-19T03:43:00.001Z

GOD!

2010-02-19T03:32:00.002Z

Just reading this book has made me regress into my teenage years, seeking cold comfort in a once familiar Dashboard Confessional song that I haven't listened to for ages and had almost forgotten. It brings no solace, only questions that you left unanswered, and left.

Not that I miss you, don't get me wrong.

Actually, maybe I do miss the person you once were, briefly; but how briefly that was.

You're a sentimental fool and the joke's on you.

2010-02-19T03:28:00.001Z

GOD!

2010-02-12T16:56:00.002Z

I'm wondering whether Malaysian kids still read Enid Blyton and how many of my generation actually did?

My phone

2010-02-10T23:20:00.002Z

My phone's internal speaker suddenly died and I couldn't hear any sound when I made calls. This phone has given me grief for 3 years. I came home and tried all sorts of ways to fix it, including dropping it on the floor. I finally decided to hammer it against the bed. That didn't work. Hammered it again even more violently. That actually worked. Moral of the story?

The Week That Was

2010-02-07T02:50:00.003Z

I've been busy trying to come up with a dissertation topic and proposal. Reading scholarly articles by Malaysians on Malaysian construction leaves me disgusted. Most academicians working in local universities have nothing original to say and what's worse is they say it in horribly broken English.

A large portion of their research invariably involves getting questionnaires answered, soliciting opinions of various professionals, getting them to rate their views on x on a scale of 1 to 5 and then collating the data. The unoriginality doesn't bug me as much as the standard of their English. Is it too much to ask to get a proofreader to have a look at your work before you present it at an international conference? Or maybe you actually did get someone to proofread it. Wouldn't be surprised, with the level of English in schools nowadays.

Is it another wonder why most of them struggle to get published in internationally renowned academic journals? The majority give the enlightened few a bad name.

Oh, and what's with the practice of cramming as many names to increase your number of citations? A scholarly article that has just one Malaysian as the author is indeed a rare find.

The highlight of the week was meeting Peter Carey and listening to him talk about 'Oscar and Lucinda'. He randomly mentioned that his father worked as a chauffer for a Chinese herbalist in Australia. Got him to sign his latest book, and Illywhacker.

The other high point of the week was watching 'Six Degrees of Separation' at the Old Vic - my first time watching a professionally performed play. The dense layers of the plot and subtext was a bit confusing and perhaps too tightly compressed to fit in a 90-minute performance. Or perhaps, I'm the dense one.

Highlights of next week - Terry Pratchett's Nation, the play (!), Every Good Boy Deserves Favour (Tom Stoppard's play) and cracking my head over the dissertation proposal.

Hillarious

2010-01-29T17:19:00.000Z

2010-01-27T14:11:00.002Z

2010-01-22T21:27:00.003Z

I'm wondering whether I should try and start reading Anthony Powell's 'A Dance to the Music of Time' but I don't think I know anyone who can help answer my question.

Oblique Strategies

2010-01-20T09:50:00.001Z

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oblique_Strategies

Fundamentals of Religion that Religious Fundamentalists Fail to Grasp

2010-01-20T08:24:00.005Z

Can I just say that as far as I'm aware, I wrote about having an interfaith dialogue to resolve the 'Allah' issue here in this very blog before a few politicians tossed the idea around.

Thank you very much.

No, I'm not the first person to come up with the suggestion but you heard about it here, before the idea was contemplated in the media.

Will it work? Not unless all parties approach the issue with an unbiased detachment and speak the same language, unencumbered by the self-imposed fixed definitions of the words they use. For instance, God does not mean the same thing to everyone and there are a myriad of opinions regarding holy books and to what degree their sanctity and infaliability can be questioned.

That said, if everyone had the same interpretation of God, there wouldn't be different religions, denominations and sects in the first place. Issues of faith can't be resolved using scientific inquiry. Hence, the dichotomy of science and religion. If only religious fundamentalists could understand that.

I read a Facebook post where a Malaysian Muslim friend with a British law degree and who has also passed the BVC made comments about science being centuries behind religion since it has yet to prove the existence of heaven and hell.

I guess I can say that I know of at least one person who will be confused if Christians are allowed to use the term "Allah". Never underestimate human stupidity.

Perhaps the future global energy crisis will be averted if scientists are able to tap into the power of stupid and harness collective human stupidity. You heard it here first, folks!

Positive Malaysia No. 1

2010-01-19T13:42:00.005Z

Stuff I find online that reflects positively on Malaysia/Malaysians.

No. 1: Syed al-Attas, a modern day Malaysian polymath is listed alongside big names like Noam Chomsky, Umberto Eco and er... George Foreman.

http://www.moreintelligentlife.com/blog/ed-cumming/hunting-modern-polymaths

We Can Work it Out

2010-01-08T10:54:00.003Z

"These people are fanatics and their teachings are wrong. Ignore them," said one unidentified man. From: The Malaysian Insider

I admit I was wavering, but a few words from this unidentified man has restored my confidence in our country. Perhaps there's still hope for us. I won't give up on you just yet, Malaysia. Don't give up on me too.

Abbreviation of the Day - MCCBCHST

2010-01-08T03:12:00.010Z

Much has been said over the 'Allah' furore in Malaysia. You can read all about it online. There is also an online version of The Herald if you weren't aware.

I have only three things to add:

1. A friend showed me the following picture of an earlier protest in Penang and pointed out something that tickled him.

Our misguided friends appear to be protesting against the Herald Tribune instead of the Malaysian Catholic Herald. In my opinion this demonstrates how our politicians and leaders on both sides of the great divide, to put it mildly, "mislead ignorant Malaysians into very unwise behaviour".

Very naughty, some of these politicians.

2. Perhaps this orchestrated crisis could have been averted had there been Muslim groups in the MCCBCHST (Malaysian Consultative Council of Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Sikhism and Taoism). They would then be able to calmly debate the issue and have the authority to come to an intelligent and agreeable conclusion to all (or most since you just can't satisfy some people).

Do correct me if I'm wrong but for various reasons Muslim groups refused to join the council when it was first established and well-intentioned offers of goodwill to join later on were refused. As far as I'm aware, there is no official interfaith platform in Malaysia that brings together Malaysian Muslims and Malaysians of other religious persuasions to the discussion table.

Perhaps our leaders, both political and religious, should realise the wisdom of interfaith discussion.

3. Acts of violence by any party must always be condemned.

Shalom.

New Year Fortune

2010-01-05T05:47:00.004Z

Will be seeing Terry Pratchett this month and Peter Carey early next month!

Grin.

Edit: For those who know me, life has been pretty good the past few weeks. Happy New Year! It's the start of a new decade (or does the decade actually begin in 2011?).

2010-01-04T02:14:00.002Z

Today I finally went to the Brompton Oratory, having wanted to visit it since 2006. I also went to the Natural History Museum and the Docklands Museum for the first time.

More to come Insyallah

2009-12-29T01:51:00.000Z

2 pounds buy-in, cash out 24 pounds.

Grin.

2009-12-25T02:07:00.002Z

I know I've posted this recently but here it is again. This year will be different, somehow.

It's Christmas

2009-12-25T01:57:00.001Z

I can't embed this non-Christmasy video so here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wzr6_9fxqg

McSweeney's Pantoums

2009-12-23T23:59:00.003Z

Oh, before I forget even though I loathe Dave Eggers...

For anyone who cares, I saw a chapter on Malaysian pantoums in Issue 31 of McSweeney's. There was a translation of an original Malay pantun from the 19th century as well as several modern pantoums by presumably "Western" poets.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about then it's alright, you aren't really missing out on anything.

P.S. Hikayat Hang Tuah and Tun Seri Lanang got a brief mention.

A Few Scenes from the Guinness Storehouse

2009-12-23T23:36:00.003Z

Was in Ireland (the Republic and the Northern, specifically Dublin and Belfast) for a few days. Here are a few pics I took from the Guinness Storehouse. They're not very good quality but more to come if I can be arsed.

2009-12-23T20:14:00.001Z

Ideas and new ways of thinking are very dangerous once they've been implanted in your head.

2009-12-15T00:24:00.002Z

for him there still remained

the cocaine bottle

for me there still remained

the asti spumante

all for and by myself

Two Facts for Today

2009-12-14T16:00:00.003Z

"Among Asian countries, only Vietnam, China, Burma, North Korea and Malaysia do not have diplomatic relations with the Vatican"

Source: BBC News

"Hospital cleaners are worth more to society than bankers, a study suggests. Hospital cleaners create £10 of value for every £1 they are paid whereas bankers destroy £7 of value for every £1 they earn."

Source: BBC News

Courtesy of Wikipedia

2009-12-10T18:59:00.001Z

"So, let’s imagine how [the September 11th attacks] could have been worse for example. Suppose that on September 11, Al-Qaeda had bombed the White House and killed the President, instituted a murderous, brutal regime which killed maybe 50,000 to 100,000 people and tortured about 700,000, set up a major international terrorist center in Washington, which was overthrowing governments all over the world, and installing brutal vicious neo-Nazi dictatorships, assassinating people. Suppose he called in a bunch of economists, let’s call them the 'Kandahar Boys' to run the American economy, who within a couple of years had driven the economy into one of the worst collapses of its history. Suppose this had happened. That would have been worse than 9/11, right? But it did happen. And it happened on 9/11. That happened on September 11, 1973 in Chile. The only thing you have to change is this per capita equivalence, which is the right way to look at it. Well, did that change the world? Yeah, it did but not from our point of view, in fact, who even knows about it? Incidentally, just to finish, because we [the U.S.] were responsible for that one." —

Noam Chomsky

2009-12-07T21:20:00.000Z

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Call it a load of old bull: http://www.newstatesman.com/ideas/2009/12/assets-loans-products

Left vs Right

2009-12-07T02:20:00.002Z

A simple but very interesting and well-designed display of left vs right. You can probably guess my political leanings.

http://www.informationisbeautiful.net/leftvright_world.html

Re: Nina Simone

2009-12-07T02:02:00.002Z

I found an excellent commentary on the Youtube video three posts ago. Wanted to copy and paste but thought the better of it so here's the link: http://drownedinsound.com/in_depth/4135544-mixtape-23--okkervil-river. Scroll down that page to find it.

Procrastinating Again

2009-12-07T01:48:00.004Z

I'm feeling overwhelmed upon realising that there is so much easily available knowledge out there of which only an infinitely small proportion can I grasp, absorb, understand and savour within a lifetime. For instance, it would be physically impossible to read all the books that I'd like to before I expire.

Then there's the issue of tacit versus explicit knowledge. Knowing the process of doing something on one hand versus actually knowing how to do it. Reading about life experiences versus actually experiencing life.

I wonder how many seekers of immortality looked for the fountain of youth because they longed for more time to enjoy knowledge for its own sake.

Part of my idea of heaven consists of an infinite library of infinitely interesting books where I have infinite time to read.

Bola-cks

2009-12-06T16:18:00.002Z

Oh, how I hate the Beautiful Game
That's why I'm not singing anymore
Cos football fans are idiot s

2009-12-02T10:37:00.000Z

Random Stolen Thought of the Day

2009-11-24T00:43:00.001Z

"Two can live as cheaply as one, if one doesn't eat."

Tempus fugit, tempus fuckit

2009-11-22T05:21:00.002Z

Where does the time go? Why do I find myself overwhelmed by my workload?

1. Do I sleep too much?

2. Do I procrastinate too much?

3. Is my working style too inefficient?

4. Do I take too long to make decisions, mulling over all my options?

5. Do I spend too much time on 'leisure' reading?

6. Do I spend too much time online?

7. Do I get too bogged down by minute and irrelevant details?

8. Is my attention span steadily decreasing?

Tempus upyours

Keynes and Wernher von Braun

2009-11-20T00:02:00.003Z

When my lecturer, G was a student in Cambridge, one of his lecturers was a disciple of Keynes, who worked with him in developing 'The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money'. Thought that was pretty cool. There is a sense of 'tradition' for lack of a better word.

Even cooler, he occasionally quotes random song lyrics. Today it was "Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down. That's not my department, says Wernher von Braun."

Oh and he used to be a hippie back in the days of Flower Power.

God help us all

2009-11-18T16:40:00.003Z

Some Malaysians think that getting rid of UMNO and Barisan Nasional will be the panacea to all our problems. They think that it is the magic bullet that will solve everything, removing all that ails and troubles us. That it will somehow pull us out of the quagmire we're nearly drowning in.

Hah, not a chance! Things won't change overnight. It all boils down to a problem of attitude. Replacing one self-interested group with another just means the same shit. Replacing chauvinistic group A with chauvinistic group B may solve some problems but will create new, possibly even worse ones.

There needs to be a Malaysian Third Way. I can't possibly imagine any current party in its existing state fulfilling this role. Perhaps if Gerakan leaves BN and reinvents itself, going back to the original ideals on which the party was founded... The likelihood of that is, well, we'd sooner see Mahathir and Anwar kiss and make up. But then again, Mahathir and Soros kinda did.

We need a Prime Minister who can represent us globally, one whom all Malaysians can be proud of and say "Hey, look at out leader. He is going to forge a new path, and transform us into a country to be reckoned with. Very soon, other countries will look towards us with respect and admiration and seek to emulate our success."

Who can this PM be? Najib? Anwar? Muhyiddin? Nik Aziz? Raja Petra? Tony Fernandes? Jimmy Choo?

Sadly, the only person I can think of who has the most potential to successfully fulfill this role (at least from his rhetoric) would be Khairy.

2009-11-16T22:04:00.002Z

Definition of foreign aid: Transfer of wealth from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries?

Perspective.

2009-11-12T07:13:00.004Z

The other day I came across one of those charity flyers that fell out from a magazine I was reading.

It was from WaterAid and the flyer piqued my curiousity so I went to the website and learned a few interesting things.

There's this section where you can buy 'gifts' - donations such as a village water hand pump, a rainwater harvesting tank or a soap-making business for two people. What surprised me the most was that you can give a gift of "nail cutting for 20 children".

It gives you a sense of perspective that the simple act of cutting nails can achieve such wonders. We take it for granted that dirty nails are unhygienic yet many there are still parts of the world where such ignorance literally kills. There are places where simply finding a way to stay alive to wake up the next morning seems like a mighty task.

And then you think about all the petty things that we argue and worry about, the many pointless luxuries that we covet.

Then the next day there are other things that are shouting at you for your attention, and you forget and get annoyed at the Internet speed and moan that you've got it bad.

Elephant and Castle I

2009-11-12T06:57:00.004Z

he dances round and round her

prances, fighting,

playful boxing stance, he answers

her question mouthed, unheard

"give it back", it could have been

"where's my nicotine?!"

perhaps it was a row over the weekly dole,

(as always)

the job, the change, the drugs, the drinking, the kids, the dog, the marriage

overweight, unemployed, white, working class,

Gordie's forgotten us, failed us,

we did vote for the BNP.

he laughs and mocks and skips around her

the lights turn green

and the bus keeps on moving

(500) Days of Summer

2009-11-11T22:21:00.004Z

"Roses are red, violets are blue... Fuck you, whore!"

Tom: In college they called me perfectly adequate Hansen.

Summer: They used to call me anal girl.

[Tom spits out his drink]

Summer: I was very neat and organised.

2009-11-07T01:47:00.000Z

2009-10-26T02:50:00.003Z

The following quote is from the epigraph of 'Systems Thinking, Systems Practice' by Peter Checkland, a classic text on systems thinking. It is a book I should have opened when I first borrowed it, because it seems so helpful for my assignment, and not a day before it's due back in the library.

"It is very nice to have feet on the ground if you are a feet-on-the-ground person. I have nothing against feet-on-the-ground people at all. And it is very nice to have feet off the ground if you are a feet-off-the-ground person. I have nothing against feet-off-the-ground people. They are all aspects of the truth, or motes in the coloured rays that come from the coloured glass that stains the white radiance of eternity."
Stevie Smith

2009-10-23T01:45:00.002+01:00

When I changed the title of this blog to Coming Up for Air and added the subtitle Keep the Aspidistra Flying, I was in despair and resigned to fate. I didn't realise that things would actually turn out the way I hoped for and it is indeed ironic that I'm now studying in a place that's strongly linked to George O.

2009-10-23T01:37:00.003+01:00

Just by attending lectures, I somehow feel that I'm now smarter than I was before I started term. Perhaps the months of doing nothing atrophied my brain. Or perhaps knowledge transfer by osmosis actually works!

Archbishop Rowan Williams' Nightmare

2009-10-22T19:14:00.006+01:00

Has the Catholic Church found a brilliant albeit sneaky way of tackling the issue of celibacy in the priesthood by embracing conservative Anglicans into the Roman Catholic Church (including their married priests)?

The move to welcome 'the sheep back to the flock', having them in full communion with 'Mother Church' yet allowing them to retain their identity, including married priests may just be the solution to the decline in the number of priestly ordinations.

Thoughts After the Tate Modern

2009-10-18T02:02:00.002+01:00

A lot of modern art appears to serve the sole purpose of being a mere display of pretentious intellectual masturbation by the artist in question (just like this blog). Often, the intellectual masturbation is mutual when a critic seems to be able to derive great meaning and depth from the 'artwork'.

A mirror, a piece of canvas with a hole in the middle, a long, thick rope on the floor - these are some of the pieces of great art that the curators of the Tate Modern decided are worthy enough of display.

But what is art ? It is subjective and the fact that an artwork can stimulate debate and provoke thought and emotion, however pretentious, is a sign that perhaps it is serving its purpose after all. Maybe.

2009-10-18T00:07:00.002+01:00

I guess the most important lesson I've learnt after all these years in higher education is that there is no 'right or wrong' or 'yes or no' answer to the questions that matter the most.

Tee Keat the only one who can lead the Chinese ROFLMAO

2009-10-15T00:14:00.005+01:00

I almost spurted hot tea all over my keyboard in disgust when I saw the following headline on The Star Online - Tee Keat the only one who can lead the Chinese. The article was a letter written to The Star by a Dr Daphne Loke, USA. My thoughts:

1. Oh puh-leese!

2. Poor Daphne. I hope it wasn't her but the editors of The Star who penned that patronising title.

3. Who can lead us Malaysians, and not to doom. Is there anyone out there?

Poems on the Underground

2009-10-13T20:12:00.002+01:00

"Ladies and gentlemen,

I understand that this is a crowded train

but would you please avoid

leaning on the carriage doors

as it makes the train lose motoring."

(Tube announcement during morning rush hour on the Jubilee Line)

For emergency release

turn key this way.

(Sign next to Lift 3 at Goodge Street Station)

The average construction worker's home

2009-10-08T02:37:00.002+01:00

Would the average construction worker be able to afford the house that he is employed to build? How long would it take him to earn enough to pay its price? What's the situation like for the average construction worker in another country?

188 (Russell Square to North Greenwich)

2009-10-06T21:23:00.003+01:00

At Holborn, two BVC lecturers board and sit behind me and talk about their Malay(sian) students. Indistinct voices, I only catch snippets:

"They have to get used to the confrontational style"

"They have a few good ideas"

They appear not completely satisfied with their Malay(sian) students but seem hopeful.

They alight at Elephant and Castle.

Pass by a hairdressers called 'Spendalot Please' near Bermondsey.

The driver sings, not just to himself, but over the mike. He implores us to 'Put on your dancing shoes'. Google tells me the song's by Cliff Richard.

I get off soon after.

2009-10-01T23:51:00.001+01:00

Perhaps I should stop drinking if I'm going to feel utterly depressed every time the euphoria wears off.

Sunday Night Depression

2009-09-29T00:06:00.004+01:00

I was wondering if I was the only one who felt depressed on Sunday evenings so I googled 'does anyone find sunday evenings depressing' and confirmed my suspicions that many other people also suffer from this psychological disorder. Also found the following interesting quote:

"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it."
Alfred Hitchcock

It Can Get Awfully Lonely in London Town

2009-09-28T00:15:00.003+01:00

I'm only typing this because I'm bored. Not that there's nothing to do - loads of stuff in fact - but I just don't feel like doing them at the moment. I wonder what's going on in Malaysia. Haven't been reading the news much.

I'm dying to talk to someone right now. To confide and confess but probably confuse with my mad (c)ravings. For no explicable reason, I have all this pent-up energy right now which I don't know how to release. It's past midnight and I don't want to wake up the other occupants of the house.

The house is nice, a bit further from central London - an hour by bus to uni or 45 minutes by tube. The distance was a bit of a concern initially but it does feel nice getting off the tube and walking up the stairs, exiting the station, getting some fresh(er) air and enjoying the relative peace and quiet, away from the hustle and bustle of polluted central London.

The house was just renovated, and it's quite new - especially by London standards - which I like. I was at Earls Court yesterday, visiting a friend at his flat in one of those Victorian monstrosities which would have looked the same a hundred years ago as it does now. The atmosphere was gloomy and depressing. Dark and heavy furnishings, dim lighting, which he pays a premium for, because of the location of the flat. This flat didn't seem as bad as where another friend is staying near Bayswater though. This other friend stays in a bedsit, where there's a bed, sink, cooking hob, fridge, wardrobe and table, all in a tiny room. What's worse is that he can clearly hear the sounds coming from next door - his neighbour talking, the TV droning, coughing, snoring, probably even wanking and fucking. I hope he doesn't feel too bad staying there. I guess I've been lucky accommodation wise though it'd have been easier to socialise and meet new people from my uni if I had stayed in halls.

I had a great time last night though the alcohol probably helped enhance the euphoria I felt. The psychological barriers you erect when you meet someone new are removed with the presence of alcohol which helps to smoothen conversation, at least for me. I just enjoy having a good drink and excellent conversation - which regrettably is rarer and rarer in Penang with practically all my favourite people away from home. Brain drain is bad enough in Malaysia, imagine how dire the situation is in the rest of the country that is not KL/Selangor. When I was in Penang, I was trying to think of who was around and only one close friend was. All my other close friends are dispersed either in KL/Selangor or overseas. There doesn't seem to be much bright prospects for young and ambitious Malaysians in Penang. All the action seems to be taking place in KL/Selangor. Imagine how it is in other parts of the country. Or perhaps I need to widen my social circle back in Penang.

Several people have told me that I 'don't like many people'. It is somewhat true since I'd just rather not bother to try and be nice if I don't think I like you. To me, pretending to be nice to someone you do not like is very superficial - it's being dishonest, just a step away from cheating and lying. So either I'll keep away from you but don't worry, I won't be nasty, I'll try to be civil unless I really don't appreciate your values.

I had an international students orientation programme at uni a few days ago. Initially, I was in a foul mood but I met quite a number of friendly and interesting people. I feel so small, when I compare myself with a lot of them but then again, most of them several years older with years of working experience. There was a Pakistani painter who paints water colours of the human figure based on the Moghul (?) style and who has had solo international exhibitions; a Thai architect who has worked in Hong Kong, Vietnam, Thailand, and who commands high wages; a Malaysian lady who I think fits the bill of the towering glokal Malay; a very colourful and interesting Danish geography student; a Chevening scholar from Cairo. The thing is, I wonder if I'll ever meet all these people again. Even if I do, it'll probably be a 'hi and bye' thing.

I've met loads and loads of people since I got here, not just from my uni but loads of Malaysians and friends of friends. I can hardly remember most of the people I met, yet right now I'm dying to talk to someone and there isn't anyone I can think of. It can get awfully lonely in London town.

Drinks at the Crown

2009-09-27T01:45:00.002+01:00

Have some drinks

then anything seems possible,

conversation flows.

Even the man

who got his head

clobbered by the tube doors

seems jolly.

You float home

and you're still

elated enough to have a snack

while exclaiming

what a wonderful evening!

2009-09-25T01:28:00.001+01:00

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been!'

John Greenleaf Whittier

Dear K, Best Wishes

2009-09-24T00:04:00.003+01:00

What were the chances of meeting you there? Did you even notice me? Perhaps you did, and you quickly shifted your gaze - so did I. It's easier to ignore your troubles, is it not?

The past is a different country. We aren't the same people we used to be - i know I'm definitely not though I may still be sickeningly overly sentimental. Using the pronoun 'we' befuddles me; it's grammatically correct but it sounds completely wrong. Perhaps 'we' was a state that existed only in my mind - but you made me believe it was a possibility. Did I grasp the wrong end of the stick or were you taking me for a ride?

I had to restrain my emotions when I saw you. Overly sentimental indeed. The overpowering rush of memories in the deep recesses of my mind came flooding in. 'Deep recesses of my mind' is a phrase that reminds me of you for some reason.

Perhaps you're reading this. You're the reason why I started blogging in the first place. I wish I could ask how you were (and you'd genuinely let me know how you were feeling) and tell you "Hey don't be a stranger", and you'd give me a wink and a nod.

I've always wished the best for you, really.

Some Pictures of the Past Year From My Phone

2009-09-20T13:53:00.008+01:00

Firstly, I know the quality of the pictures is shite. You don't have to tell me that. They were taken using my mobile phone camera.

Secondly, this is a random selection from the past year (I realise when I say past year, I usually mean the past academic year).

Finally, I'll be leaving for the Penang Airport in about 7 hours. A new phase of my life awaits.

Enjoy.

The motley crew of the Geography Department.

Meet their leader, Professor W. Winter.

Kazuo Ishiguro signing his latest book, Nocturnes after a talk at the Southbank Centre (13 May 2009 i think).

Starbucks on Broad Street Mall near the Oracle entrance. Had a wonderful time just relaxing and chatting after exams with two great people I've had the pleasure of knowing (Late May 2009).

On the train, on the way back to Reading from London in January, the day snow caused widespread transport chaos in the UK. Earlier in the day, I slipped and fell on the icy pavement when walking to catch the bus to the train station to go to London for a job interview. It certainly wasn't a very promising start to the day and was definitely not a good omen.

Student Village, the Farmhouse. Stayed in Student Village for 2 years, but not in the Farmhouse.

There are other pics but of course you realise how lazy I am.

Early 20th Century Camwhoring

2009-09-14T15:04:00.005+01:00

I decided to make copies of old photos belonging to my late paternal grandfather, before they disintegrate. Since I don't have access to a scanner, I had to use my camera to take photos of the photos.

The only person I can identify in the photos is my grandfather, as he has a mole on the left side of his chin (lol). I can guess who a few of the other people are, but who everyone else is, is a mystery unless their names are written on the back of the photos. There are roughly 150 photos, some of them copies. Some of the photos are really small - the size of a postage stamp. Oh, and it seems like taking mugshots of yourself, signing them and giving them to friends was in fashion in the 20s and 30s.

This is probably the oldest photo of the lot, taken when my grandfather was a little kid (late 1910s or early 1920s), camwhoring with his hat. Perhaps it was taken at the Esplanade in Penang and if so, the white building in the background might be the Town Hall.

More early 20th century camwhoring.

At his office, probably in his uncle's pineapple canning factory in Klang.

Grandparent's wedding (late 1930s or early 1940s).

The kid is my dad. The words on the car next to the guy on the left read 19 (?) Harper Street, which was in Klang (Late 40s or early 50s).

OK i'm too lazy, uploading and pictures on Blogger is a bitch.

Funny Little Frog

2009-09-11T07:26:00.003+01:00

Funny Little Frog by Belle and Sebastian, go Youtube it.

A Merdeka Post

2009-08-26T17:30:00.003+01:00

Watch this early 1960s clip taken from a short British documentary on the formation of Malaysia. Ungku Aziz talks about his views on the formation of Malaysia and the issue of race and a Malaysian identity. A timely reminder for everyone, since sadly not many Malaysians would agree with him today and those who espouse such views are ignorantly accused of not respecting the sensitivities of others. The original vision of a 1Malaysia has been largely forgotten and is instead replaced by a half-baked idea that no one actually knows exactly what it means.

Okay, so the subject matter befits a Malaysian Day post better (16 September, remember?) rather than a Merdeka post as many Borneans would like to argue. I think they solved the problem of whether to commemorate 31st August or 16th September by dragging the celebrations of the bulan kemerdekaan for a month from 16th August till 16th September.

Geddit?

2009-08-16T12:36:00.004+01:00

Easter cancelled - They've found the body

and

Christmas cancelled - They've found the father

Father F failed to elicit any response. There wasn't the polite laughter you'd expect from the congregation upon hearing something witty said by the priest during Mass. What's more, the congregation wasn't asleep, there was some laughter when he said something else towards the end. Was grinning to myself.

Of Ignorant and Petty Adults and Rats

2009-08-16T08:03:00.003+01:00

It's scary to discover the glaring faults of adults whom as a child you once thought were infalliable; grown-ups whom you may even have respected and admired (well, just a teensy-weensy bit). Then years later, when you meet or hear of them again, you realise their actual small-minded pettiness, their ignorance and illogical reasoning, the knowledge and wisdom that they claimed to possess which was missing in the first place; but they could fool you with their feigned importance and authority since you were a mere child.

Most kids think that adults know better just because they are older, and therefore, wiser. It isn't true, but nobody tells kids that. You grow-up thinking adults have all the solutions to every problem in the world, and then it hits you that those in high-places don't seem to know what they are doing. When you're a young kid, it makes sense that doctors, lawyers and engineers must be pretty smart people, then you grow up and learn that some of your peers have entered such professions and you think, my goodness, even he's a doctor/lawyer/engineer/insert profession?

I shudder in fear when I realise that I have to admit that there may be some truth that all the intelligent ones have left, maybe the rats have deserted the sinking ship, and those who remain on board have had their rat brains addled by rat poison or have their rodent testicles caught in some mousetrap. Maybe this is the reason why we're not even stagnant but regressing! We set the bar lower and lower, each time.

Surely we must stop pandering to the lowest common denominator or we're doomed.

Comma

2009-08-10T18:26:00.001+01:00

I can't seem to punctuate properly any more.

And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna

2009-08-08T19:14:00.004+01:00

It is just too easy to lose sight of the big picture. A chance to do a Masters Degree and I'm already contemplating how useful it will be for my career in terms of salary and promotion, dreaming silly dreams of making big bucks and living the high life (which is almost always at the expense of others, e.g. the downtrodden and marginalised groups). And, for what? Man does not live by bread alone, the Bible reminds us. I also have to curb my arrogance - I realise it's slowly taking over me. Must I always require a humbling experience to remind me of the danger of arrogance?

Maybe some time working in a government department rather than for some evil corporation that rakes in moolah at the expense of others would do me some good. Perhaps it is there that I can truly make a difference, however small. It would be hypocritical to want a better Malaysia and a better Government without doing everything within your means to achieve it. I must remind myself of the principles that I used to believe in. I never wanted to be rich and to have expensive things. What I wanted, and still want, is to be happy.

I realised this quite a while ago - I believe that it is better to give than to receive. Whatever you choose to call it, karma or God's providence, it has worked for me. Giving to those who require help, with a sincere heart, will bring you much greater reward, especially when you aren't expecting any. God will provide. In my case, it isn't necessarily my giving to others but definitely my parents'. Whatever their faults (and they certainly have some), they believe in giving to others and not taking what does not belong to them, and because of that, God has provided.

That's the end of today's sermon. Good day.

The unending search for home

2009-08-05T18:40:00.003+01:00

A flash of inspiration, and I think I've got it figured out.

I don't like Malaysia - I like the imaginary version of my Malaysia that I envision in my mind which is different from the stark actuality of the real country. Ditto the UK. When I'm away from the other, it just doesn't feel right. Which leads to a constant, unending search for belonging in a non-existent imaginary country. It may be idealistic to remain here, thinking I can make a difference. But goshdarnit, as cliche as it may be, everyone must do what is right, playing our parts however small.

There may not be anything significant enough to attract me here, to make me want to stay, but I know that I have even less affectionate sentiments towards the UK. I thought I wouldn't but I've more or less settled down to a life back home in Malaysia.

I didn't want to write it here earlier cos I didn't want to jinx it but I'll be going back to England, specifically London for 12 months to do a Masters Degree. I'm glad to go back, just for a year, but currently I'm completely unprepared for the academic work I have to undertake and lack the basic knowledge that I'm required to possess. I'm already dreading the stressful year ahead.

Jeremiah

2009-07-28T09:46:00.005+01:00

I used to have to attend Cathechism Class (which was basically Sunday School) in church on Saturday. I went for it from Standard One till I was in Form Four and absolutely hated it. Most of the teachers seemed patronising. Hardly any of them could engage in a theological discussion. Questions weren't answered rationally and everything just seemed to be dumbed down. To be fair, we were kids and the teachers were volunteers and there were a few knowledgable teachers teaching us when we were 15 and 16.

However, I doubt attending those classes strengthened my faith. It was hardly intellectually stimulating nor thought provoking, though it was a bit better when I was in Form 3 and 4. Anyway, there was a boy in my class, let's call him Jeremiah. Jeremiah was my age but he was different. He was a special child. I'm not sure what is the correct term to describe his condition but he couldn't speak, had jerky movements and wasn't right in the head. He often drooled and had fingers in his mouth.

Sometimes he'd sit next to me or close by and he would be annoying. He could get really aggresive. Once he was hitting my arm, grabbing my new watch and scratching it and my arm. This was probably when I was 12 or 13. What could I do? He wasn't physically big but was scrawny instead. What was worse was that he had drool on his fingers.

You can't hit a retarded kid. Complaining to the teacher wouldn't have helped and it didn't occur to me to do so. He was disturbing a few of my friends close by too. I remembered some of the other kids moving away when Jeremiah sat next to them. It seemed mean, but there you go. I just glared at him and tried to ignore him. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

Recently when I attended Mass I spotted Jeremiah receiving Communion. He was still the same. Just taller. His condition hadn't improved. Behind Jeremiah was his father whose eyes looked as sorrowful as they always had been.

You can't hit a retarded kid. What can you do?

Mantoux

2009-07-28T09:25:00.004+01:00

So I'm at the hospital because I have to take a Mantoux test.There aren't many people around, hardly any patients, I wonder why. The nurse beckons me to follow her. I guess she's the head nurse or something since she acts as if she runs the place. She's in her forties - glasses, short hair, short - definitely unmarried. Her short hair is styled in what I call the 'Chinese school-girl look' - you can imagine for yourself.

I follow her through a dimly lit corridor and into a room. She prepares the injection needle. Until that point, I wasn't sure how the test would be administered. I put my arm on the table. She says "Don't be scared. It's just a small needle." Is she mocking me? The only reason for me to be wary is because I doubt her sanity. She definitely is unmarried and she looks a bit creepy. For all I know, she could be a psychopatic murderer who gets off by killing her patients.

Now I'm a bit annoyed and even more puzzled. Am I supposed to clench my fist so that the veins on my arm would show? She doesn't say. I close my fist. She leans towards me, finding a spot to stick the needle in. The front of her dress brushes against my fist. Now I'm really creeped out. I try to move my arm. Maybe she's a lesbian, or possibly asexual.

The needle enters my forearm, not through a vein but just below my skin. A bubble forms under it. Using a black permanent marker, she draws a big circle round the bubble. That wasn't really necessary was it? She could have just drawn a small dot. Now I have to go around with the big black circle on my forearm till Saturday. The bitch!

Jamie T's Sheila and John Betjeman's The Cockney Amorist

2009-07-12T21:46:00.002+01:00

The first video is the album version of Sheila by Jamie T while the second video is a live performance on Jonathan Ross. I didn't realise until yesterday that there was a sample of part of John Betjeman's poem, The Cockney Amorist in the album version of Sheila. I belive the sample is from a recording of Betjeman reading his own poem.

Here is a little write-up on Sheila from the BBC. http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/chartblog/2007/05/jamie_t_sheila.shtml

Incidentally:

1. John Betjeman had a teddy bear which he named Archibald-Ormsby-Gore and was a lifetime companion.

2. Evelyn Waugh met Betjeman while at Oxford and the teddy bear inspired Waugh. In Waugh's Bridehead Revisited, Lord Sebastian Flyte carries a tedy bear named Aloysius.

3. There is a statue of John Betjeman in St Pancras Station in London.

4. Another rail station in London, Paddington, is associated with another famous bear, Paddington Bear.

5. Bored yet?

The Cockney Amorist by Sir John Betjeman (1966)

Oh when my love, my darling,
You’ve left me here alone,
I’ll walk the streets of London
Which once seemed all our own.
The vast suburban churches
Together we have found:
The ones which smelt of gaslight
The ones in incense drown’d;
I’ll use them now for praying in
And not for looking round.
No more the Hackney Empire
Shall find us in its stalls
When on the limelit crooner
The thankful curtain falls,
And soft electric lamplight
Reveals the gilded walls.

I will not go to Finsbury Park
The putting course to see
Nor cross the crowded High Road
To Williamsons’ to tea,
For these and all the other things
Were part of you and me.
I love you, oh my darling,
And what I can’t make out
Is why since you have left me
I’m somehow still about.

Grandfather Story

2009-07-11T19:00:00.002+01:00

"He had a pigtail when he was young (he was born in 1903), wore sandals sewn with gold thread and lived in a corner of the house with 20 rooms of his own with a tower."

"His eldest brother gave him a bicycle and made him sign on the dotted line when he only a small boy, giving over everything."

"I wonder if the house is still there in China."

I force myself to blog, six days before leaving

2009-07-10T01:11:00.005+01:00

If you were to ask me what I liked best about leaving Malaysia to study in the UK, depending on who you were, I'd tell a different lie, because I don't really have an answer and I would tell you what you would like to hear because it's just easier that way. I'm not being cynical but often enough, I suppose you'd ask the question and listen half-heartedly, expecting me to confirm and agree with your individual prejudices. That's usually the case with communication really.

The truth is I haven't given the question much thought until now. What do I like best about spending three years here? Hmm... Near the top of the list would be that I wouldn't need to, or be expected to, speak any type or form of Chinese language. Despite what Malaysian politicians would like to believe, my mother tongue isn't Mandarin, Hokkien, Cantonese, Teochew or Whathaveyou. Incidentally, regarding the brouhaha over the teaching of Maths and Science in English, if my mother tongue was English, why don't they allow me to learn it in English. 'Oh but your mother tongue certainly can't be English', they would smugly say. 'It should be Mandarin or some Chinese dialect'. Well, no one in my family speaks or even understands Mandarin, and I like to think that Bahasa Malaysia is my second language.

Anyway, back to the question, certainly it would have been the exposure, the wide range of enriching experiences I've had that I will not reveal here. If you were to ask me what the most memorable experience - either good or bad was, I'd lie again. It probably wouldn't be what you were expecting. Let's leave it at that.

I can think of several horrible experiences that I've had, only one of which I shall mention here. Is it just me or is there subtle and/or subconcious racism towards East Asian looking people in the UK. You can get into serious trouble for discriminating, harrassing or making fun of Muslims, South Asians and Blacks but hidden racism against yellow people is rife.

I'm often asked whether I miss Malaysia. The truth is, no not really. I do not have a great attachment to anything in Malaysia really. Do I miss the food? In a way, but not really either. However, I realised that only by leaving did I become closer to home. I kept up with Malaysian news and read all the major news sites and blogs. I was interested and updated on what was happening back home despite the fact I was miles away. That being said, when I did return for a few days, several weeks ago, I almost completely lost interest. I think there's an expression for this in one of the European languages. You have to leave home, to get a sense of perspective, then when you return, you think to yourself, is this what I've been missing? Why did I even bother in the first place?

It's very hard for me to adjust to a life back in Malaysia. Malaysians live in completely different bubbles, most of us unaware of how the other lives. On the most basic level, we do share the same hopes, fears and dreams, but otherwise, we live worlds apart. For me, a clear example would be imagining a career with the Government and comparing that with a career in the private sector.

Although you would hardly call me a success, if I hadn't been as lucky and done as well as I have so far, I wouldn't have had dreams. I would have been happy and content living a mediocre life. Right now, I've dreams that are unlikely to be fulfilled. If I hadn't gone overseas, my dreams would have been stunted.

Ultimately, after three years abroad, I guess I've become a bigger liar because white lies are presumably less troublesome.

Note to Anon 1

2009-07-09T01:09:00.003+01:00

Oh you pretentious prick

What do you know?

Stop being a dick.

Waterstones Arndale (8 July 2009)

2009-07-09T00:22:00.003+01:00

The Liverpudlian Bard, Roger McGough,

Patron Poet of Merseyside

has a new book out, 'That Awkward Age'

which sadly did not have me gripping the seat of my

armchair in front of the Gay and Lesbian section

next to Fiction.

I confess it was my fault that I wasn't enchanted by his verse and rhyme.

My mind was elsewhere, you could tell.

In an ideal world I would have read it down by the docks in Liverpool

it being not too far away

(despite there being no more dockers like McGough senior today).

But I didn't even manage to see Salford Quays,

and anyway, I should have been reading Mancunian Mitchell,

after all he was sitting almost next to McGough on the shelf

and I did finger his spine.

Perhaps if I do get the chance to study

a bit of Keynes in Bloomsbury,

I will one day read Mitchell in Manchester,

McGough in Liverpool,

and find out if Liverpool is as shite as Manchester.

Graduation

2009-07-07T00:49:00.004+01:00

The past few weeks of travelling have worn me out. I think I have reached a point where I am jaded by 'sightseeing', unable to derive much pleasure from it. Maybe it's just jet-lag and lethargy, I dunno. Perhaps it's the company. I have to admit I have been very impatient on many occasions, only realising it much later. Probably, it has to do with the lack of personal space and having to watch out and be responsible for someone else.

*Deleted the paragraph that I wrote, condemning the subject to the junkpile of abandoned ideas, literary limbo, blogpost purgatory. It was too personal.*

The lack of updates mean that I have been pre-occupied with things more important than blogging for an invisible audience. Well, it is probably more likely that I haven't been posting anything here because there isn't a need to procrastinate. No deadlines looming, no exams to study for.

The picture on the left was taken on the 4th of July. I was desperately clinging on to that dumb hat. It didn't fit very well.

"Congratulations on getting a First Class," said Mr Vice-Chancellor.

"Thank you," I replied.

I don't think there's a picture of me in my graduation robe in which I don't look weirder than usual, thanks to the hat.

New Blog Layout

2009-06-09T23:16:00.007+01:00

I've managed to update the disgusting layout of this blog. It's not much, but it's still an improvement. The previous title of the blog - 'Let's Ditch the Logical' was from the line 'I want to ditch the logical' taken from the song 'Here's to the Night' by Eve 6. It was a good enough name at that time I suppose - because I thought it reflected my independent and non-conformist views. Oh, how naive! What youthful folly! Ironically instead, it clearly highlighted the foolish banality of my writing. I have to say that I'm ashamed to read what I've written in the past because it's so painfully embarassing. However, I do not delete badly written old posts.

Anyway the change of name marks the end of an era of student life. Stepping into the cold harsh waters of a new life of unemployment and being dragged by the waves of fear, uncertainty and inadequacy will be interesting. I never thought it'd be like this but there you go, that's life for you.

Perhaps also, the new name 'Coming Up for Air' and 'Keep the Aspidistra Flying' is a revisit and a nod of remembrance to my past. Both are novels by George Orwell and incidentally, he was particularly ashamed of the latter. I first discovered Orwell in Form 2 I think, in the Kutub Khanah Tunku. You're probably wondering what the hell that is but it was just a fancy name for the school library. 'Kutub Khanah' was the old term for a 'perpustakaan' or library. Tunku was from Tunku Abdul Rahman, an old Free who officially opened the library.

The book was 1984. I didn't understand a lot of it at that time. Some of it was beyond me but it did open my eyes and I thought to myself, 'that was quite a good read'. Then that same year I chanced upon 'Animal Farm' at one of the second hand bookstalls in Chowrasta Market. Then I read Aspidistra soon after and found a free copy of 'Coming Up for Air'.

Maybe reading Orwell, and in particular, 'Coming Up for Air' and 'Aspidistra' shaped my values at that age. I didn't want to be a cog in a wheel. Maybe that's why I like 'Nuovo Cinema Paradiso' too. I think I can identify a pattern here - the themes of sacrifice, nostalgia and longing, among others. Not very healthy for an adolescent boy I have to say. Must revisit Orwell when I get back home.

Two things jolted me in the past few days. The first was reading Brideshead Revisited after having been on a pure Terry Pratchett diet of Discworld. The second was rediscovering the blog of a friend of a friend (yes, I know it's stalking). I remember how I wished to write like that several years ago. His/her writing flowed naturally. It was a joy and a challenge to read and the message wasn't obscured by convoluted words.

In the end, maybe I have to downscale my aspirations. No dream job (hell, no job!); no money;not in a relationship; no skills; no talent; no future in sight; nothing. That being said, I can strive slowly and in small ways to improve myself. Don't worry, I'm not being pessimistic but realisitic. I'm still moderately positive. Small steps will lead me to where I want to be - 'sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi bukit'. Hopefully this will be a start.